I can only greet the beginning of the new university year with open arms, for it will serve as ample distraction to the chaos that my personal life is bringing me. Today, Monday, marks the official first day of school, with a whole host of things for me to do and mroe stuff to handle, so blogging will probably end up either being severely restricted, or I will start ranting to no end. For your sanity, dear reader, please hope for the former.

I would just like to thank those of you who have given me little nuggets of support over what has been happening lately. I may not know you all personally, but it has been nice to be able to read some of the things people have written in with. As much as the good cheer has helped lift the inexorable pounding of self-induced depression, I cannot help but feel that I have come out of this entire episode much the worse for wear than I would probably readily admit.

I cannot set foot within the confines of my beloved former school anymore.

I have lost much of my self-confidence and esteem.

I have broken bridges and burnt ones, all over the place.

I have irrevocably ruined the reltionship I have with my parents. At best, it will take decades to heal.

I will pay the price of being with C for years to come. And how do I feel at such a prospect? Anger? Rage? Hate? Resignation? Regret?

Each and every one of those emotions has done a somersault through my system, and have been cast out just as quickly from whence they came. I am simpy numb. I will face it all when the time comes. But my thought processes have not stopped completely. I am not entirely devoid of cranial activity. I do not regret being with C. She will always have a part of me belonging to her. She will aways have a part of me loving her. I cannot help it, considering my love was, and is, unconditional. And will remain as such for the forseeable future. For as long as I am what I am at heart.

As I trudged through the memories of times gone by, I came across a part of it that was never quite resolved. That was never quite solved, nor gotten over. As so happens with fate and all that stuff combined, she ended up IM'ing me, at 1 in the morning.

Ladies & Gentleman, meet E. I promise, I will follow this up. There is too much left unsaid to pretend it is not worth telling.

No, I never did actually watch that movie. But I heard it was good.

And no, this entry won't be all raunchy and what not.

I have just finished perusing C's blog. I know, all that it could possibly be is a hotbed of pain for me. But I just had to. There is no other way for me to keep track of what is going on in the heart, mind, soul and life of one I gave all for. Faced with the same choices in my life all over again, I shudder at the thought that I would gladly make them all over again. Except for one.

The one to end things.

But it is moot. It is startlingly painful to learn that I have been nothing, in reality. That these past few months I shared with C were nothing more than just a cover up for how she really felt for someone else. And for the third time in my life, I have been played for a fool. It's amazing really. That I could so willingly give myself over to someone whom I thought had sincere feelings and intentions for me. And I'd do it again, which is even scarier.

Simply because I believe in giving Love a chance. No matter how slim or remote that chance seems to be. It saddens me to think that there are not many others who feel the same way. Or would readily admit to being such idealists. I feel no shame in bearing my true colours in that respect. I am what I am.

But to have such a chance for happiness been twisted into nothing more than a cover up for what was really going on? To have all of the sincerity and pain, the sacrifices and genuine concern, all reduced to nothing more than mere psychological ploys to live out a lie?

To say that I am hurt is an understatement. Those of you who have been reading my blog from the beginning, you might recall of how I described our first meeting, and the subsequent trials and tribulations we went through. If not, please peruse through entries starting from March, all the way till now. Yeah, almost everything has been about her.

And guess what, people? I have been so completely misled. So completely fooled and tricked into thinking I mattered. It would explain all the hesitation. The reluctance to meet up. The obvious 'distance' that communicated itself through every touch that we shared, be it intimate or public. It would explain all the break up attempts, and all the attempts at stealing the limelight, and grandstanding.

I was no Prince. I was no unrivalled Love. I was no Sunshine. Nor was I a Mind Reader, or a Teacher, or Soulmate. I was, and still am, Nothing. I was Nothing when I first texted her on the 19th of March, 2005. I was Nothing when we supposedly got Together on the 1st of April. And throughout all those attempts at breakups and splits, till the day I finally caved and collapsed in on myself...

I was Nothing. Because there was always someone else.

Congratulations, C. You've won. You have your final, complete and total victory over me.

I have lost. Yet part of me will still love you, and forgive you for all of this. That's what Love, is, C. Unconditional, Unbridled, Unbidden Love. And you never had it better than from me. And never will.

Suicide has been playing on my mind alot lately.

Well, Who hasn't entertained thoughts of doing a Great Escape from reality? I have. Many many times. But something always stops me. I think of Mom. Of Dad. Of my brothers and my sister. Inevitably, I come to the overbearing conclusion that they will be better off without me. And then I think of all the other people in my life, and wonder what their lives would be liek without me in it. And of course, I'll come to that conclusion again. Either there wouldn't be any difference, or they wouldn't notice my absence. Fair enough.

This is all such a surprise, considering I just had one of the best weekends of my entire life, at the Rainforest World Music Festival. If you haven't heard of it, here's the URL : http://www.rainforestmusic-borneo.com/

In short : The best music fest on the planet.

So what happened? I hooked up with alot of new people. And I'm stuck. I don't know who to call, and who to ask to bugger off. A Love Octagon so to speak. Imagine that. >.< As it were, This is part of the gloominess that bears down on me, as I struggle, manfully or otherwise, to comprehend the sheer incredulity of the entire situation.

A and I have been fighting. C and I are on a warpath. A1 and I don't really know what's going on with one another (yes, A1 as in C's friend). Then there's J, J1, H, N, L... Bleh. I went out with L yesterday, and had a great time with her. The day before, I met up with A1, to talk things through. And I met up with J on Monday, to try and talk things out with her. Nothing has been resolved. I don't know how this happened.

I know I'm not into all of them. That would be impossible. It's impossible to have feelings for 8 people all at once. Rather, it stems from a desire to return the flattery.. A wish to return the feelings they have for me. It's like I feel obligated to, that I just should, because they actually summon the willingness and courage to show me their feelings. I do not want to break hearts and let them down. The guilt is palpable. Heavy. Such a hard burden to bear. It makes me want to curl up into a ball, and pretend nothing is happening. But I can't. I want my escape. But I can't make it.

Whom do I feel most strongly for? I do not know. L is pretty high on the list. After the wonderful (from my point of view at least) time we had yesterday, yeah, she does figure pretty highly. It helps that L is a musician, because it is something I can relate to and connect to her with. We haven't actually talked about music per se. But she has a musician's heart and soul, and that is something I can readily identify with. Which probably explained why I was so at ease with her during our brief movie and lunch date. Does she feel the same? I doubt it.

Next up would be... Gee, I don't know. *sigh* This can't be happening. It's like fucking public transport. You wait for a bus for ages.. And suddenly, 8 show up. It's almost farcical. And it doesn't help that I am a natural-born, and pretty talented, flirt. I can't resist trying to put on whatever charred remains of charm I have on any attractive girl I meet. And it's killing me.

If I had to make a choice now, consequences be damned, it would still be a toss-up between A1, A and L. C hates me now. I think. The hate email was probably a clue. She claims I cheated on her. And she said so without asking me anything about it. So yeah, what trust was there in us anyway? I would have loved the chance to talk things out with her, and clear the air. But she has burned our bridges, almost beyond repair. A drama queen, till the end. *shakes head* I need to clear everything out and start anew. But we all know that isn't possible. And we haven't even gotten to Y yet.

Y is a remnant of my past. Two years old, in fact. That was how long ago our relationship ended. Yet I have never forgotten her, never properly buried her memories. She came back to her hometown recently. She called me up at 4 a.m, and we talked till 7 a.m... And I was reminded of how deeply I had felt for her. And how good things were between us. Which is just another complication. Because she told me she still loves me. But can't be with me. Three hours of relative good cheer, all ruined by a single moment. This is crazy. She's almost exactly the way I knew her to be. We still shared the same lame inside jokes, and funny/stupid experiences we went through. And we both remembered everything. Everything..

I don't want all of this. But in a way, I do. It's nice to be wanted. To feel wanted. It's flattering to no end, and it should rightfully boost my ego beyond what it is at right now. But it just doesn't. In contrast, I want to die. Why? I wish I knew. I know now, for certain, that I am not cut out to be a player. I just don't have the ability to shut off my guilt and conscience. I just cannot be carefree and not have concern for whomever I share a connection with. But how can I make this easier? I can't, is the simple answer. Maybe I want to die, so that I will be saved from breaking more hearts. Or from giving myself another chance to break mine.

I am suffering. I do not know what to do. Doesn't anyone understand? Is it you whom I want and feel I need, L? Because right now, inexplicably, against any notion of logic, or reason or rationale, I am thinking of you. And thoughts of you stay my hand from ending whatever excuse I have for a life already. Maybe now, in this infinitesmal moment, when all is still and I am reduced to the nothingness of my center, do I realise that I have already made a choice. I just wish there was an easy way round to making it actually happen. To realise the alternate reality that has mushroomed in my mind, that I see with my soul's eye.

I do not know how much more heartache I can take. I have taken alot already in my short life. And I have done so willingly, always believing in the off-chance of finding true love and thinking that the sacrifices I make will be appreciated, and will be worth it. But I have floundered so many times. I have failed at so many turns. And I have fallen down at so many hurdles.

Am I wrong? Am I wrong to believe that I can find love? If I am, then I guesss I really should just die. Because I do not want to live in a world where Love will not find me.

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Kalah Kepada Takdir - Morbid Muse
(Malay)

Titisan tangisan air mata
Ku curahkan untukmu
Dibayang rindu dan kergersangan
Tanpamu di sisiku
Derita tanpa pengakhiran
Seksa tanpa penawar
Andailah ku bayang hikayat cinta
Dirimu watak utama

Dihimpit keadaan semasa
Ku kalah kepada takdir
Ditinggalkan mimpi dan kenangan
Ku kalah kepada takdir

Mungkinkah kini kita berdua
Mengucap selamat tinggal
Di manakah mentari akan bersinar
Selagi pilu menghalang
Tidurkan jiwaku agar tiada
Kesedihan bakal menimpa
Tutupkan mataku kepada dunia
Agar realiti tak menjelma.

Dihimpit keadaan semasa
Ku kalah kepada takdir
Ditinggalkan mimpi dan kenangan
Hati seorang kekasih
Kekasih....

Translation (Paraphrasing)
Tears I shed
All for you
Shadowed by yearning and anxiety
Without you by my side
Suffering without end
Torture without relief
If I could imagine a love story
It would be about you

Squeezed in by circumstance
I give in to fate
Left behind by dreams and memories
I give in to fate

Maybe we both must now
Say our goodbyes
When will the sun shine
As long as despair reigns
Sadness will envelope me
Shut my eyes to the world
So that reality can be kept at bay


Squeezed in by circumstance
I give in to fate
Left behind by the dreams and memories
Of the heart of a lover

I wrote this song a while back. I hate the fact that it still rings true now.

Bohemian pillars of belief.

Idealistic notions, borne of a time when humanity embraced the underlying virtues that were the bedrock of all that was good in this world. Truth. Freedom. Beauty. Love. *sigh* Where have you all gone? Why have you disappeared, oh pillars that I have believed in for the better part of 21 years? Have you deserted me now, when my faith, my belief in idealism is at its weakest?

My eyes are almost dry now. I can feel the streaks they have left on my cheeks. Downwards, they went, burrowing a furrow through my layered being, piercing me to my core. Unbidden. Uninvited. Coarseness rubbing up against the gentle fragility of my weary soul. They serve a biological function, no doubt. But I just think it's God's way of letting you know, without any shadow of a doubt, what you are feeling, at that very moment.

I hate them, and love them at the same time. I love the fact that they portray the honest me. And I hate them for that fact too. I love them because they are at times, my only outlet. Again, I hate them for that very same reason. I embrace my tears, and shun them. And that is the fundamental simplicity of the ideal of Truth.

We look for it, yet find ourselves afraid to embrace it. We revel in it, yet feel the pinch of its consequences. And have the audacity to complain about it afterwards. Truth has always been impactful. Either in the here and now, or further down the line. Be it painful, or otherwise. The lesson? Simple. We can never run away from what is true. Turn around. Embrace it. Deal with it. It is always better, than pretending it is not there. The trials of today will serve you in better stead for tomorrow. And you will never outrun pain. Never.

We mollycoddle ourselves with the safety nets we put up for contingencies that may or may not affect our lives. Insurance schemes. Refunds. Warranties. God parents. Wills. Maps. Directions. Handbook Guidelines. Laws. All are restrictions. All are barriers. Barriers to what? To freedom. True freedom. That in itself is a dirty lesson that no moral teacher will broach with you in school, or would even leave a professor of philosophy hesitant.

Freedom, absolute true Freedom, scares the shit out of humanity.

Imagine yourself alone. In the middle of a forest. No mobile phone. No wallet. No map. No directions. Nothing. Just you. What are you? Marooned, obviously. All alone. Trapped. With no rescue forthcoming, nor any sense of where to even begin. Yet within this sphere of your own existence, you are FREE. Free to go where ever your legs can take you, where ever your mind wants you to.

You are not bound by your identity card to stay on that piece of land. You are not bound by laws that say you cannot cut down a tree, and make some space for yourself. You are not bound by the constraints that people around you would impose. You can be as loud as you want, whenever you want.

You are free, from the hope of rescue. You are free, from being dependent on other people. That is what Freedom is. The freedom, to be yourself. Doesn't that scare you? To be free, absolutely, unabashedly, irrefutably free, is to be alone.

Yoda famously said, Luminous beings we are. Not this crude matter. Souls, as you would call them. Everything else in life, is artificiality. Nature, is artificiality. Thnigs that are not made by man's hand, are in themselves, artificial. Constructed, put together, built, grown. It does not matter. They are artificial. How so? Because they are made up of other things. They are not what they originally were. And anything that has been changed from what it originally was, is artificial. Glorious sunsets. Gigantic mountain ranges. Sprawling green forests. Beautiful, are they not? But they are not true beauty.

Beauty has often been said to come in many forms. As the saying fondly goes, Beauty is in the eye of the beholder. But who is the 'beholder' exactly? Each and every individual? You? Me? None. For we are all the same. Humanity is the 'beholder', for we all 'see' beauty the same way. True beauty transcends any boundary.

Any. Boundary.

Be they literary. Physical. Cultural. Economical. Genetic. Conditioning. When we see a sunset, and say it is beautiful, it is not mere colours nor our lone Star that brings us to this profound realisation. It is the soul of what we see. When you look into the eyes of someone you love, is she beautiful? She is, isn't she? And you knew it, without even needing to see the rest of her.

The word 'beauty', and all its other forms, have been abused and bloodied in spirit and meaning. We have come to associate beauty with what we can tag with our eyes, with merely what our sight can tell us. But doesn't true beauty transcend anything, and everything? You will know beauty when you see it. You will know beauty when you feel it. Touch it. Understand it. And to do that, must we not embrace the truth of our own lies? Cut ourselves free of our own inhibitions? Once you realise that beauty is so much more than we could ever hope for it to be, then you will have taken your first steps into a world far removed from the one you live in now.

A world of love.

Love is neither pain, nor suffering. Neither is it joy, or happiness. Love does not entail trust, nor does it encourage jealousy and suspicion. Love is not appreciation, nor care. Neither is it sacrifice, or risk. It is not anything, nor any single one thing. All these things, they are the artificiality of human emotions. The constructs of human minds. Grown from our dying need to use words on everything we have. The love we are so fond of describing, and so outward it may seem in appearance, is a lie. And we are guilty of propogating it beyond measure.

Truth. Freedom. Beauty. Love.

I don't understand any of them. But I believe.

I will fade into time, for you, C.

I will be swept under the carpet, and forgotten. A mere statistic amongst the sea of faces and names that your life has brought forth to you. I do not resent that happening. I do not regret it, for I understand why it will be that way. Some time from now, you will turn to the new person in your life and assure him that, yes, I'm over that guy so don't worry about it. Am I alright with that? I suppose I am. And I do not begrudge you the chance to utter those words.

I gave you my all, C. And it is earth-shattering to realise that it was never going to be enough for you. Maybe I should have listened to you all those times that you told me that we wouldn't make it. That we would end up heartbroken, cut adrift. Lost. And that we should leave now, whilst things retained a semblance of cordiality. But no, I believed in Love, and I believed in the power it had in conquering all before it.

As ever, when it mattered most, I was wrong. The spirit might have been willing, C. But the flesh? Scarred, torn open, insides ripped asunder by so much pain. This is darn near incomprehensible to me. So much, and in the end, this is what happens. Perhaps it is fated for me not to find anyone. Maybe not at this stage in my life. Maybe never. I do not know.

Maybe I should take the pragmatic view. At least we can try to stay friends. At least we can try to salvage a friendship from the tattered ruins of the dying embers of our passions. I do not know. Maybe.

I do not doubt, not for a second, that you will always find someone willing to lay it all on the line for you. That you will find someone who will love you for all you are worth and would gladly do anything they can to make you happy. I'm absolutely sure of it. Though it may sound conceited, and self-centred to say this, there is a caveat.

You will not find anyone who loves you, and loved you, the way I did. And maybe, in my darkest, loneliest and most brutally honest moments alone, the way I still do. It is probably my own ego and arrogance that causes these words to spill forth, but I sincerely feel I have proven that I am no freeloader, nor am I one who would take anything for granted. Everything that has happened will stay close to me. The pain, as well as the joy. The laughter, as well as the tears. Sometimes, i do wish I could let it all go. And just forget. But I know that would not happen, for I am doomed to remember all that has transpired. I am cursed, for I will never forget.

Live your life, C. Do not stop to dwell on the past. Our past. Nostalgia can be dangerous. Move on. Let me be a statistic. I do not mind. Nor will I feel unappreciated.

I have taken you, us, as far as I can. Let me suffer the despair of my abject failure, away from your eyes. Alone.

With Love,
Me.

If I had any readers, my guess would be that you would have abandonded me all by now. Three weeks without an update? Remarkable. If you're reading this, don't you have anything better to do? I guess not, so maybe that makes us passengers in the same boat.

The boat of people who are looking for something more than what they see. Or what the world let's them see. *shrugs* I do not know the certainty of that. I am no mind reader, as much as I try to be one, as much as I attempt to understand the ebb and flow of the human mind and soul.

But what I do know is that, though we may long for understanding, we are afraid of being truly understood.

Then again, if complete and utter understanding of one another were ever to be achieved, what need would there be for language, art, communication? Would there ever be a need for us to ever open our mouths again? I would think not. Or maybe I'm just generalising. Who cares? Not you. Why should you? I am just another lone voice in a vast sea of screaming people.

It's obvious, in a way, that we all want to be misunderstood. To remain a mystery. To remain enigmas. Why is that? So that other people might actually wanna bother finding out who we are. And still, we persist with the mystery, if only to keep others interested, to keep others wanting to know more.

I am an open book. Would you want to read, what I have to say?

There is a hidden beauty in meeting a remnant of your past.

The rough edges are smoothed over. The ugly bleakness of past trials and tribulations are sugar coated by the sepia-tinted glasses of our nostalgia. Mistakes become jokes. Tragedies become oddly-shaped cushions of comfort. Sore points become touchstones.

This is what it is like to be human. This is what it is like to be in denial.

Yes, I do not deny seeing her again brought me some small measure of comfort and joy within the black gloom that has enveloped me for a while now. With the distance between us removed, the warmth of her laughter and smiles were all so much easily absorbed. Appreciated. Believed. The chit-chat was more animated. Positive.

It was all so light, as though our words were being floated upon soft breezes. The conversation seemed alive in its own right, independent of our own clumsy attempts at communicating.

As always, it didn't end that way. It always ends in tears.

Everything with me does.

[More to follow...]

She still loves me.

I need a ten-step guide to make a girl get over me. Not 5 steps, that's too sudden and brutal.

It sucks.

I don't want to be a heart breaker.