English Genius You scored 100% Beginner, 92% Intermediate, 100% Advanced, and 86% Expert!

You did so extremely well, even I can't find a word to describe your excellence! You have the uncommon intelligence necessary to understand things that most people don't. You have an extensive vocabulary, and you're not afraid to use it properly! Way to go! Thank you so much for taking my test. I hope you enjoyed it! For the complete Answer Key, visit my blog: http://shortredhead78.blogspot.com/.

My test tracked 4 variables How you compared to other people your age and gender: You scored higher than 70% on Beginner You scored higher than 25% on Intermediate You scored higher than 84% on Advanced You scored higher than 83% on Expert

Link: The Commonly Confused Words Test written by shortredhead78 on OkCupid Free Online Dating

Kalah Kepada Takdir - Morbid Muse
(Malay)

Titisan tangisan air mata
Ku curahkan untukmu
Dibayang rindu dan kergersangan
Tanpamu di sisiku
Derita tanpa pengakhiran
Seksa tanpa penawar
Andailah ku bayang hikayat cinta
Dirimu watak utama

Dihimpit keadaan semasa
Ku kalah kepada takdir
Ditinggalkan mimpi dan kenangan
Ku kalah kepada takdir

Mungkinkah kini kita berdua
Mengucap selamat tinggal
Di manakah mentari akan bersinar
Selagi pilu menghalang
Tidurkan jiwaku agar tiada
Kesedihan bakal menimpa
Tutupkan mataku kepada dunia
Agar realiti tak menjelma.

Dihimpit keadaan semasa
Ku kalah kepada takdir
Ditinggalkan mimpi dan kenangan
Hati seorang kekasih
Kekasih....

Translation (Paraphrasing)
Tears I shed
All for you
Shadowed by yearning and anxiety
Without you by my side
Suffering without end
Torture without relief
If I could imagine a love story
It would be about you

Squeezed in by circumstance
I give in to fate
Left behind by dreams and memories
I give in to fate

Maybe we both must now
Say our goodbyes
When will the sun shine
As long as despair reigns
Sadness will envelope me
Shut my eyes to the world
So that reality can be kept at bay


Squeezed in by circumstance
I give in to fate
Left behind by the dreams and memories
Of the heart of a lover

I wrote this song a while back. I hate the fact that it still rings true now.

Bohemian pillars of belief.

Idealistic notions, borne of a time when humanity embraced the underlying virtues that were the bedrock of all that was good in this world. Truth. Freedom. Beauty. Love. *sigh* Where have you all gone? Why have you disappeared, oh pillars that I have believed in for the better part of 21 years? Have you deserted me now, when my faith, my belief in idealism is at its weakest?

My eyes are almost dry now. I can feel the streaks they have left on my cheeks. Downwards, they went, burrowing a furrow through my layered being, piercing me to my core. Unbidden. Uninvited. Coarseness rubbing up against the gentle fragility of my weary soul. They serve a biological function, no doubt. But I just think it's God's way of letting you know, without any shadow of a doubt, what you are feeling, at that very moment.

I hate them, and love them at the same time. I love the fact that they portray the honest me. And I hate them for that fact too. I love them because they are at times, my only outlet. Again, I hate them for that very same reason. I embrace my tears, and shun them. And that is the fundamental simplicity of the ideal of Truth.

We look for it, yet find ourselves afraid to embrace it. We revel in it, yet feel the pinch of its consequences. And have the audacity to complain about it afterwards. Truth has always been impactful. Either in the here and now, or further down the line. Be it painful, or otherwise. The lesson? Simple. We can never run away from what is true. Turn around. Embrace it. Deal with it. It is always better, than pretending it is not there. The trials of today will serve you in better stead for tomorrow. And you will never outrun pain. Never.

We mollycoddle ourselves with the safety nets we put up for contingencies that may or may not affect our lives. Insurance schemes. Refunds. Warranties. God parents. Wills. Maps. Directions. Handbook Guidelines. Laws. All are restrictions. All are barriers. Barriers to what? To freedom. True freedom. That in itself is a dirty lesson that no moral teacher will broach with you in school, or would even leave a professor of philosophy hesitant.

Freedom, absolute true Freedom, scares the shit out of humanity.

Imagine yourself alone. In the middle of a forest. No mobile phone. No wallet. No map. No directions. Nothing. Just you. What are you? Marooned, obviously. All alone. Trapped. With no rescue forthcoming, nor any sense of where to even begin. Yet within this sphere of your own existence, you are FREE. Free to go where ever your legs can take you, where ever your mind wants you to.

You are not bound by your identity card to stay on that piece of land. You are not bound by laws that say you cannot cut down a tree, and make some space for yourself. You are not bound by the constraints that people around you would impose. You can be as loud as you want, whenever you want.

You are free, from the hope of rescue. You are free, from being dependent on other people. That is what Freedom is. The freedom, to be yourself. Doesn't that scare you? To be free, absolutely, unabashedly, irrefutably free, is to be alone.

Yoda famously said, Luminous beings we are. Not this crude matter. Souls, as you would call them. Everything else in life, is artificiality. Nature, is artificiality. Thnigs that are not made by man's hand, are in themselves, artificial. Constructed, put together, built, grown. It does not matter. They are artificial. How so? Because they are made up of other things. They are not what they originally were. And anything that has been changed from what it originally was, is artificial. Glorious sunsets. Gigantic mountain ranges. Sprawling green forests. Beautiful, are they not? But they are not true beauty.

Beauty has often been said to come in many forms. As the saying fondly goes, Beauty is in the eye of the beholder. But who is the 'beholder' exactly? Each and every individual? You? Me? None. For we are all the same. Humanity is the 'beholder', for we all 'see' beauty the same way. True beauty transcends any boundary.

Any. Boundary.

Be they literary. Physical. Cultural. Economical. Genetic. Conditioning. When we see a sunset, and say it is beautiful, it is not mere colours nor our lone Star that brings us to this profound realisation. It is the soul of what we see. When you look into the eyes of someone you love, is she beautiful? She is, isn't she? And you knew it, without even needing to see the rest of her.

The word 'beauty', and all its other forms, have been abused and bloodied in spirit and meaning. We have come to associate beauty with what we can tag with our eyes, with merely what our sight can tell us. But doesn't true beauty transcend anything, and everything? You will know beauty when you see it. You will know beauty when you feel it. Touch it. Understand it. And to do that, must we not embrace the truth of our own lies? Cut ourselves free of our own inhibitions? Once you realise that beauty is so much more than we could ever hope for it to be, then you will have taken your first steps into a world far removed from the one you live in now.

A world of love.

Love is neither pain, nor suffering. Neither is it joy, or happiness. Love does not entail trust, nor does it encourage jealousy and suspicion. Love is not appreciation, nor care. Neither is it sacrifice, or risk. It is not anything, nor any single one thing. All these things, they are the artificiality of human emotions. The constructs of human minds. Grown from our dying need to use words on everything we have. The love we are so fond of describing, and so outward it may seem in appearance, is a lie. And we are guilty of propogating it beyond measure.

Truth. Freedom. Beauty. Love.

I don't understand any of them. But I believe.

I will fade into time, for you, C.

I will be swept under the carpet, and forgotten. A mere statistic amongst the sea of faces and names that your life has brought forth to you. I do not resent that happening. I do not regret it, for I understand why it will be that way. Some time from now, you will turn to the new person in your life and assure him that, yes, I'm over that guy so don't worry about it. Am I alright with that? I suppose I am. And I do not begrudge you the chance to utter those words.

I gave you my all, C. And it is earth-shattering to realise that it was never going to be enough for you. Maybe I should have listened to you all those times that you told me that we wouldn't make it. That we would end up heartbroken, cut adrift. Lost. And that we should leave now, whilst things retained a semblance of cordiality. But no, I believed in Love, and I believed in the power it had in conquering all before it.

As ever, when it mattered most, I was wrong. The spirit might have been willing, C. But the flesh? Scarred, torn open, insides ripped asunder by so much pain. This is darn near incomprehensible to me. So much, and in the end, this is what happens. Perhaps it is fated for me not to find anyone. Maybe not at this stage in my life. Maybe never. I do not know.

Maybe I should take the pragmatic view. At least we can try to stay friends. At least we can try to salvage a friendship from the tattered ruins of the dying embers of our passions. I do not know. Maybe.

I do not doubt, not for a second, that you will always find someone willing to lay it all on the line for you. That you will find someone who will love you for all you are worth and would gladly do anything they can to make you happy. I'm absolutely sure of it. Though it may sound conceited, and self-centred to say this, there is a caveat.

You will not find anyone who loves you, and loved you, the way I did. And maybe, in my darkest, loneliest and most brutally honest moments alone, the way I still do. It is probably my own ego and arrogance that causes these words to spill forth, but I sincerely feel I have proven that I am no freeloader, nor am I one who would take anything for granted. Everything that has happened will stay close to me. The pain, as well as the joy. The laughter, as well as the tears. Sometimes, i do wish I could let it all go. And just forget. But I know that would not happen, for I am doomed to remember all that has transpired. I am cursed, for I will never forget.

Live your life, C. Do not stop to dwell on the past. Our past. Nostalgia can be dangerous. Move on. Let me be a statistic. I do not mind. Nor will I feel unappreciated.

I have taken you, us, as far as I can. Let me suffer the despair of my abject failure, away from your eyes. Alone.

With Love,
Me.

If I had any readers, my guess would be that you would have abandonded me all by now. Three weeks without an update? Remarkable. If you're reading this, don't you have anything better to do? I guess not, so maybe that makes us passengers in the same boat.

The boat of people who are looking for something more than what they see. Or what the world let's them see. *shrugs* I do not know the certainty of that. I am no mind reader, as much as I try to be one, as much as I attempt to understand the ebb and flow of the human mind and soul.

But what I do know is that, though we may long for understanding, we are afraid of being truly understood.

Then again, if complete and utter understanding of one another were ever to be achieved, what need would there be for language, art, communication? Would there ever be a need for us to ever open our mouths again? I would think not. Or maybe I'm just generalising. Who cares? Not you. Why should you? I am just another lone voice in a vast sea of screaming people.

It's obvious, in a way, that we all want to be misunderstood. To remain a mystery. To remain enigmas. Why is that? So that other people might actually wanna bother finding out who we are. And still, we persist with the mystery, if only to keep others interested, to keep others wanting to know more.

I am an open book. Would you want to read, what I have to say?

There is a hidden beauty in meeting a remnant of your past.

The rough edges are smoothed over. The ugly bleakness of past trials and tribulations are sugar coated by the sepia-tinted glasses of our nostalgia. Mistakes become jokes. Tragedies become oddly-shaped cushions of comfort. Sore points become touchstones.

This is what it is like to be human. This is what it is like to be in denial.

Yes, I do not deny seeing her again brought me some small measure of comfort and joy within the black gloom that has enveloped me for a while now. With the distance between us removed, the warmth of her laughter and smiles were all so much easily absorbed. Appreciated. Believed. The chit-chat was more animated. Positive.

It was all so light, as though our words were being floated upon soft breezes. The conversation seemed alive in its own right, independent of our own clumsy attempts at communicating.

As always, it didn't end that way. It always ends in tears.

Everything with me does.

[More to follow...]

She still loves me.

I need a ten-step guide to make a girl get over me. Not 5 steps, that's too sudden and brutal.

It sucks.

I don't want to be a heart breaker.

(Indonesian)

Saatnya ku berkata
Mungkin yang terakir kalinya
Segala lepaskan semua
Ku yakin inilah waktunya

Mungkin Saja kau bukan yang dulu lagi
Mungkin saja rasa itu telah pergi

Dan mungkin bila nanti
Kita kan bertemu lagi

I stood there, phone welded to my ear, my jaw hanging, as though my breathing was not enough to sustain me. The shock of hearing some rather unexpected news brought alot of my thought processes to a complete halt, as I slowly digested the potential new realities.

She's coming. Here.

To my hometown.

'Will I be able to see you?'

'I'm... not sure... I'll have to see if I have anything else going on...' I stalled, trying to think of the implications of what I was hearing.

'You're never not sure... You can do better than that.' Heh, she knows me. She knows how I think. The answer was predictable, expected. I seemed to hear her grin in quiet triumph. Yes, she knows how I would answer.

Well, alright... I'll see you.. When are you arriving?' I sighed, tiredly, admitting defeat. I wouldn't be able to worm my way out of this one.

'Tuesday. 5 30 flight. So I'll be there around 7. Don't worry, first night's out of the question, as are the next two nights. Hehe.' Was I being teased? The soft giggle that floated up through the airwaves brought a stupid grin to my face.

'So that means Friday? The 3rd?' A shift. Sudden. Quick. As though a cloud suddenly covered the sun, and all went cold. Sad. Despairing.

'.....Please, ok? For old time's sake..'

This is a familiar theme.

She tried it again.

AZ was kind enough to say to me 'she should give you a break, you're a rare gift'. Am I, really? Are guys who so willingly show their emotions and let them out, such rare finds? I must say though, that I'm thankful Az and A1 have been around to help me keep my sanity. I need to vent, about something. But I don't know what. Not yet.

Let's take a step back from this. From all this tedium and detail. From all these small things. The hubris and debris of the past that clog up our lives. If not yours, then mine, at the very least. What is, the Big Picture?

I don't really think there is any. Or maybe, I just don't see it, or don't want to see it. Whilst I have always been canny enough to point out to others that they are being wilfully blind and stupid by pulling metpahorical wool over their eyes in regards to reality and the ass-kicking it would generally give them, I find that I'm pretty proficient in self-denial too.

Of course, I might be merely rambling, scrabbling for grip on my own reality and the shortcomings of my own existence. My grip on reality, as it were, is tenuous at best, and downright non-existent at worst. Then again, that coudl be said of everyone else as well. Except for George Lucas. He's never had a grip on reality. Man, what I'd do for a lightsabre right now, metaphorical or otherwise in nature.

Just so that I can cleave out my own insecurities and tepid attempts at self-justification. Where am I going with this? I don't know.

Alright, forget the 'Big Picture' for now. I made a new friend. Let's call her M1. She's the girlfriend of B1, a friend I made from D1. M1's from Brunei, I think (not entirely sure), and B1 is from Korea. M1 and I have been talking alot lately, mostly about B1 and her ongoing problems with him, and yes, I've spilled my heart over C and the problems plaguing us as well.

It's wonderful to be able to meet up and chat with someone who shares your enthusiasm and perpsective on things. What I love most about meeting new people is being able to share things out, and surprise them by being more open than they would ordinarily think a person would be able to be. In fairness, I'm probably just an open book waiting to be read.

We've talked about love, compromise, relationships. It's all been quite refershing, to have someone new to yak with, and I hope she appreciates the company as much as I do. It's been hard, what with C and I hardly being able to keep in touch. Not to mention the 3 break up attempts in the past week or so. I guess I'm too stupid to let go. But I love her. And letting go is something I cannot contemplate at this juncture of our relationship.

M1 has taken to reading what I post here. Somehow, I have succeeded in forcing another unfortunate soul to abuse their eyes and minds by reading all the drivel I come up with here. To be fair, she did seem rather willing to delve into the madness that is me trying to write, but I digress.

I surprised myself with some of the stuff I told her. It seemed to just come out rather unexpectedly, as though my subconscious wanted to sneak up on me and say something before I could do anything about it. But no matter, because far from being impervious to my own words and not realising the value in them, I've actually started to think that I should listen to myself. And not be such a twat.

She said she wanted to change for the better, for B1's sakes. And in startling ways, I find that M1 and C are remarkably simliar. Both have 'episodes'. Hysterical fits. And boyfriends become punching bags. I swear, I never realised how patient I have been with C till M1 told me of how she sometimes mistreats B1, and the crap she can put him through. And how bad she felt about it. My response?

'He stays for the same reason I stay with C. we have to accept it all. If we dont, we lose you.'

Say goodbye to someone you love? Fuck no. I always thought that putting up with female eccentricities was an accepted part of male life. Little did I realise that some females actually feel bad for being like that. C says she does. M1 says she does. Why can't more girls realise what they do to the guys the supposedly care about and love too?

It made me realise I'm not so bad after all.

So why does she still try to break up with me? As D1 told me : "It's always too late when you're already involved."