Suicide has been playing on my mind alot lately.

Well, Who hasn't entertained thoughts of doing a Great Escape from reality? I have. Many many times. But something always stops me. I think of Mom. Of Dad. Of my brothers and my sister. Inevitably, I come to the overbearing conclusion that they will be better off without me. And then I think of all the other people in my life, and wonder what their lives would be liek without me in it. And of course, I'll come to that conclusion again. Either there wouldn't be any difference, or they wouldn't notice my absence. Fair enough.

This is all such a surprise, considering I just had one of the best weekends of my entire life, at the Rainforest World Music Festival. If you haven't heard of it, here's the URL : http://www.rainforestmusic-borneo.com/

In short : The best music fest on the planet.

So what happened? I hooked up with alot of new people. And I'm stuck. I don't know who to call, and who to ask to bugger off. A Love Octagon so to speak. Imagine that. >.< As it were, This is part of the gloominess that bears down on me, as I struggle, manfully or otherwise, to comprehend the sheer incredulity of the entire situation.

A and I have been fighting. C and I are on a warpath. A1 and I don't really know what's going on with one another (yes, A1 as in C's friend). Then there's J, J1, H, N, L... Bleh. I went out with L yesterday, and had a great time with her. The day before, I met up with A1, to talk things through. And I met up with J on Monday, to try and talk things out with her. Nothing has been resolved. I don't know how this happened.

I know I'm not into all of them. That would be impossible. It's impossible to have feelings for 8 people all at once. Rather, it stems from a desire to return the flattery.. A wish to return the feelings they have for me. It's like I feel obligated to, that I just should, because they actually summon the willingness and courage to show me their feelings. I do not want to break hearts and let them down. The guilt is palpable. Heavy. Such a hard burden to bear. It makes me want to curl up into a ball, and pretend nothing is happening. But I can't. I want my escape. But I can't make it.

Whom do I feel most strongly for? I do not know. L is pretty high on the list. After the wonderful (from my point of view at least) time we had yesterday, yeah, she does figure pretty highly. It helps that L is a musician, because it is something I can relate to and connect to her with. We haven't actually talked about music per se. But she has a musician's heart and soul, and that is something I can readily identify with. Which probably explained why I was so at ease with her during our brief movie and lunch date. Does she feel the same? I doubt it.

Next up would be... Gee, I don't know. *sigh* This can't be happening. It's like fucking public transport. You wait for a bus for ages.. And suddenly, 8 show up. It's almost farcical. And it doesn't help that I am a natural-born, and pretty talented, flirt. I can't resist trying to put on whatever charred remains of charm I have on any attractive girl I meet. And it's killing me.

If I had to make a choice now, consequences be damned, it would still be a toss-up between A1, A and L. C hates me now. I think. The hate email was probably a clue. She claims I cheated on her. And she said so without asking me anything about it. So yeah, what trust was there in us anyway? I would have loved the chance to talk things out with her, and clear the air. But she has burned our bridges, almost beyond repair. A drama queen, till the end. *shakes head* I need to clear everything out and start anew. But we all know that isn't possible. And we haven't even gotten to Y yet.

Y is a remnant of my past. Two years old, in fact. That was how long ago our relationship ended. Yet I have never forgotten her, never properly buried her memories. She came back to her hometown recently. She called me up at 4 a.m, and we talked till 7 a.m... And I was reminded of how deeply I had felt for her. And how good things were between us. Which is just another complication. Because she told me she still loves me. But can't be with me. Three hours of relative good cheer, all ruined by a single moment. This is crazy. She's almost exactly the way I knew her to be. We still shared the same lame inside jokes, and funny/stupid experiences we went through. And we both remembered everything. Everything..

I don't want all of this. But in a way, I do. It's nice to be wanted. To feel wanted. It's flattering to no end, and it should rightfully boost my ego beyond what it is at right now. But it just doesn't. In contrast, I want to die. Why? I wish I knew. I know now, for certain, that I am not cut out to be a player. I just don't have the ability to shut off my guilt and conscience. I just cannot be carefree and not have concern for whomever I share a connection with. But how can I make this easier? I can't, is the simple answer. Maybe I want to die, so that I will be saved from breaking more hearts. Or from giving myself another chance to break mine.

I am suffering. I do not know what to do. Doesn't anyone understand? Is it you whom I want and feel I need, L? Because right now, inexplicably, against any notion of logic, or reason or rationale, I am thinking of you. And thoughts of you stay my hand from ending whatever excuse I have for a life already. Maybe now, in this infinitesmal moment, when all is still and I am reduced to the nothingness of my center, do I realise that I have already made a choice. I just wish there was an easy way round to making it actually happen. To realise the alternate reality that has mushroomed in my mind, that I see with my soul's eye.

I do not know how much more heartache I can take. I have taken alot already in my short life. And I have done so willingly, always believing in the off-chance of finding true love and thinking that the sacrifices I make will be appreciated, and will be worth it. But I have floundered so many times. I have failed at so many turns. And I have fallen down at so many hurdles.

Am I wrong? Am I wrong to believe that I can find love? If I am, then I guesss I really should just die. Because I do not want to live in a world where Love will not find me.