To me.

I had no real idea what to make of everything. The sheer awkwardness of it all, was something I could handle. My own natural inclination is to gloss over the rough edges, and to always break the ice within minutes of being around someone. It's something I do easily, and pretty well. This however, was different. We had a past. A history. A collection of archived pictures and movies in my head and heart, which my soul would never allow me forget.

I lay there, staring at the ceiling, the late hour doing nothing to move me to sleep, the tiredness in my limbs and dull ache of my abused lower back (from sitting for hours straight in a chair in front of my PC) seemingly not enough incentive to get my body to release all its stress and tension. Various scenarios played over in my head, many of which seemed to end in certain disaster.

What of my baby?

How would I tell her? How would I explain to her that a piece of my past, as recently raw as they can come, is coming to town? And that she shouldn't worry? Of course she'll worry. She'll probably get all paranoid as well. Regardless, I have to see her. It's the least I can do, for all that we went through before. Like she said, for old time's sake. For closure.

There is no denying that we shared a past. I carry scars of it till now. Scars which have only just begun to heal. Would meeting her again re-open them? I don't know. I'm not sure. But of course, I'm never not sure, because I already know te answer to it all.

Old wounds would definitely open up again. The certainty of that was not in the least surprising. What was surprising was my willingness to accept it. To accept the fact that I would probably be in a world of hurt. From my past, as well as my present. I knew it then, and I certainly know it now. There was never going to be a pain-free, easy way out of all of this.

Perhaps this is my comeuppance. My punishment for all whom I have wronged in life. Payback, for all the pain I've caused to those around me. Those whom I have claimed to care about, only to hurt them in return for what they have given me. The light from my lamp seemed to burn with unbridled animosity, as though glaring at me.

'You had this coming,' it seemed to say. That voice.. A voice from my teenage years. A long lost love. But how? She had.. died.. 7 years before. Here, in my weakest moment since she left this world, she had come. It was impossible. Yet I heard her, clear as a wolf's call on a windless night. She was here.

'Yes, I did. The moment I walked out on her all those time cycles ago, I knew this had to be coming.' I let out a long, tired sigh. 'I know you're not actually there. But I don't care right now.'

'Who's to say I'm not? You've never let me go, even after all these years.' The light shimmered, and dimmed down again. It seemed to be a sigh in itself. A slight shrug of the shoulders.

'I suppose I haven't. Sometimes I still wish you were here to give me advice. Many things that I've done.. I've always though of what you would think of me. How you would see me..' I sank further into the bed, drawing up the covers around my shoulders, as I turned on my side, towards the lamp. 'All those times I have been lost, I have always wondered aloud, where are you.. How much I wish you could help me here, and now....'

'You needn't worry about what I think of you. We were friends. Although I know you felt more. As for myself, I cannot say. Even now, I cannot say.' I buried my face in my hands, choking back demons from my past. The tears still came. 'There is one thing you must learn, above all else. And even now, you have not learnt it. You do not want to. And it kills you.' The light seemed to intensify, as though it turned to look at me. I looked back, tears unbidden, my pillow soaking up my sadness.

'It's funny how I always seemed to be the one comforting you and giving you advice, when you were still... 'I choked back lumps in my throat. '... Still alive.. Now, here you are... But you can't be real. I watched them wrap you up in cloth, watched them carry you down those stairs.. away from me, out of this world... I saw you, and you were ... dead...'

'I left because it was my time. However short my time seemed to be. But it was enough. Your time, has not come. For there are many lessons you have not learnt. And one important one, which you refuse to learn. Which you do not want to learn.' The light seemed to grow brighter still. As though coming closer. I drew back into my covers.

'You do not want to learn... To let go,' she softly said. The truth had hit home. The tears and soft words turned into sobs. My body seemed to convulse with each painful intake of breath. I could barely breathe.

'You're not real. You're not here. You died. You can't be saying all of this. You can't. You're gone...!' My voice quivered. My resolve crumbled. The pain blossomed in my heart. The center of my being rocked from being assaulted by a bitter broken truth that I had never been able to fully admit. 'You're dead......'

'Then maybe, what I'm saying is not what I know.' I closed my eyes. More tears squeezed out from under them. I was lost for words.

'Maybe... I'm just a reflection of what's inside you.' I trembled slightly. Disbelieving. In denial no longer.

'Of what you already believe...'

The light winked out. She was right. I felt shaken to my very core.

I had yet to learn to let go completely.

I lay there, contemplating all before me. it was obvious what had to be done.

I had to see her. I had let go. She had to learn that lesson too.